So, a Portland, OR masseuse claims that in 2006, Vice-President Al Gore, groped and man-handled her in a hotel room.

Yeah, whatever; fine and dandy.  The most interesting aspect, to me and apparently also to Alexandra Petri of The Washington Post, is the almost-literary quality of this case–if your literature runs toward cheap and tawdry novels and dusty New Age-speak.

“Mr. Stone”

Apparently, Gore was registered at the hotel under the name Mr. Stone.  Is this his porn-actor name?  In my mind, it’s more like the name of the bad guy in a 1970s John MacDonald/Travis McGee detective novel.  It’s got that Mr. Brown/Mr. Green feeling of The Taking of Pelham-1-2-3.

“Lemon and Cheese Together”

When making a statement to police Detective Molly Daul, the masseuse coughs, laughs, and says, “It’s the lemon and cheese together.”  Huh?

“Crazed Sex Poodle”

Everywhere in the report.  Need I explain this one?

Rich Austria

Rich Austria is Portland Sergeant DPSST #25048.  A David Lynch name, if I’ve ever heard one.

“Big Lummox”


Yes, the masseuse tells Al Gore to get off of her, calling him a “big lummox.”

“Um-Hm” (x500)

At one point, after another of the masseuse’s impossibly long reveries about butt massages and airline pilots, poor Molly Daul can only say, “Um hm.”  Poor Molly Daul utters this about 500 times during the interview, and you can just picture her rubbing her temples to keep the migraine from flaring up.  My thoughts exactly.

“Discretely Draped”


This one tantalizes me.  The masseuse is describing how certain parts of Gore’s body were draped, leaving other parts exposed.  It’s almost certainly a misspelling on part of the police transcriber, and I think they meant to say, “discreetly draped,” as in “with propriety.”  The word “discretely,” different spelling, would mean cordoned off into separate areas.  And you could also say this:  that parts of Gore’s body were draped, others not–discretely.

“Upscale Hotel Lucia”


Not in the police report, but in every single news article about the case, “upscale” and “Hotel Lucia” will forever be linked.  No fucking way.  You mean the Vice President didn’t stay at the Motel Six?  Hotel Lucia might as well apply to the Oregon Dep’t of Corporations right now to register the name Upscale Hotel Lucia.

My Conclusion

This masseuse is a tiresome idiot, the kind of person who pins you down at a bar for 3 hours, telling you her entire life story.  Was she or was she not mauled by Al Gore?  I don’t care.

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