This isn’t about coffee or penises, but of course that’s what all you dirty-minded people care about.

It’s about:  stray advice from the ancient past that lingers in your mind, for no apparent reason.

Why do we remember things?  Why do we forget?

We accept the forgetting part with age; it’s commonplace.  The remembering part is eerie because, even as our brains age and begin to perforate like Swiss cheese, certain memories stick with us.  The following advice will be with me on my dying bed:

Coffee makes your pecker harder.

A friend told me this when we were high school freshmen.  We were running on a high school practice field.  It was a weekend day; school was not in session.

He told me that his uncle had said this–in those exact words.

I still remember the light of the day.  I even know that we were running west.

This wasn’t information that I was hungering for, either.  As a freshman, I had no need for pecker-hardening elixirs.  It had no personal significance.

I’ll go on a limb and theorize that a recess of my brain seized the information because it would be needed much later in life.  Our minds do the same thing when it comes to slipping on ice or getting shocked at an outlet.  Our minds store valuable information that will protect us.  Since we are animals that want to procreate, a primal part of the brain wants to protect those procreative abilities.

The uncle was right.  Caffeine temporarily improves vascular functioning.  You need good vascularity to help blood pour into the penis and erect it.  Or to put it more simply:

Coffee makes your pecker harder!

There’s well-known a scene in Citizen Kane called “The Bernstein Scene.”  The reporter who is trying to track down the mystery of deceased Charles Foster Kane’s past speaks with Mr. Bernstein, who had been Kane’s guardian.  Bernstein talks about memory and the past, but then breaks off into this startling reverie about a memory of his own which included a girl with a parasol:


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